There has been a death in the family and I am in no place to write. I will be back but right now I must be there for my father in his time of need. Keep writing and feeling my Peonies!
Like I said, girls who hike are the happiest girls because you push yourself to the top. I’ve learned to never give into weakness, especially that damned fiend, laziness.
I have something that I wish I could take back. I can’t even believe that I succumbed to such a weakness. I feel ashamed, wrong, and like I have a long way to go before I fully recover.
But at least I stopped smoking cigarettes.
When I was a senior in high school, I met a boy who was not deserving of my time. He told me my hair color was wrong and proceeded to cheat on me (I don’t take it too seriously now, I’m not that dramatic). Along with the hell, I was experiencing from family matters – this was not helping. I was a very naive girl who was susceptible to altering myself for a guy because my self-esteem was shot to hell (shout out to the boys who threw food at me in Middle School). I was lonely, depressed, and desperate. I never thought of smoking until he told me to “just try it” because nothing would happen. Well, he was wrong, but most importantly, I was wrong. I chose to put that stinky sack of chemicals to my lips, and puffed – it became an addiction, a delicious, cynical addiction.
I am blaming the jerk for taking advantage of my weakness, but I blame myself for being stupid. I was stupid in “love” and in actions.
That stupid girl still has her moments, but she’s grown into a woman who understands the importance of health, and smoking cigarettes is not a form of love, it is an act of hate. Luckily for me, I have great friends, a loving boyfriend, and an adopted family that has taught me to love myself. The urge to self-deprecate my lungs has been replaced with mindfulness, poetry, and a strong sense of self. Quitting is difficult and I am not perfect, but I know that I want to live to see my future family grow, and I want to be a positive influence on others.
My negatives have turned into positives. I’ve changed how I perceive myself and I’ve quelled the voices that told me life is not worth living because I’ve started my quest to Camelot — and smoking is not allowed.
Killing the beast can feel as difficult as finding the holy grail, but that demon can lead you to your king/queendom and victory. With a league of knights and some courage, you too can defeat the rat-poisoned bastard known as Camel. May glory be bestowed upon the quitters.
Repeat after me:
I am strong. I am winning. I am not my habit.
So, can I keep this secret with you?
Do what you love. You reap a great sense of accomplishment and joy when you chase your passion—something you will do even if you aren’t paid. Following your passion allows you to gain skills in areas in which you are already strong and will push you to become better. Read: 5 Ways On How You […]
Never let anyone diminish your dreams. I’m living mine by posting my poetry and thoughts (maybe my fiction, in due time).
I just want to say thank you, all of you, for the support. I promise to keep posting but not while I am on vacation (maybe pictures). I believe that electronics are a no-go on vacation because we all need to detach from our phones/laptops. That does not mean that I’m not focused on my goal, but I am focused on my mental health as well.
I am going to live and enjoy every second of my dream vacation.
Enjoy Millionaire’s Digest post because I am official checked out 🙂
I’ll be in Colorado: Painting with the Colors of the Wind
In the past, I was never able to travel. I haven’t visited another country and I’ve barely seen the United States, and in a world of social media – I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. It’s so easy to compare yourself to others, but to be honest, feeling behind is just jealousy disguised as contempt. I know that feeling all too well, but the key is to realize that your journey is just beginning. It’s so easy to get stuck in an InstaHole and to scroll past other’s milestones, while you’re just sitting in your pajamas eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles wondering why life is passing you by. After watching Meg Jay’s Ted Talk: Why 30 is not the New 20, it changed how I relate to society and myself. I needed to build personal collateral to better myself and my stained-ridden sweats were not cutting it and it’s not for you either (You can do it!). Do little things each day that makes you a better person and eventually you’ll be able to afford a trip to a destination – not any, let’s be reasonable, but a destination that is adding personal worth and growth.
Today, I am able to say that I’m finally going somewhere outside of New England! I never thought I’d get an opportunity like this, but thanks to faith, hope, and love I am finally on my way to see Colorado. I am going to do what I love and feel at peace with myself. I get to have my own vacation with the person I love and that dark, dark place I used to call home – has now seen the light from above the clouds.
See you in the mountains,
P.S. Ralph Waldo Emerson inspires me to write about the beauty that is Nature and he travelled a lot in his time – I know this because I was the only 22 (at the time) year-old on a tour of his house 🙂