I Have a Secret


(Image credit: McMillan Digital Art / Getty Images)

I have something that I wish I could take back. I can’t even believe that I succumbed to such a weakness. I feel ashamed, wrong, and like I have a long way to go before I fully recover.

But at least I stopped smoking cigarettes.

When I was a senior in high school, I met a boy who was not deserving of my time. He told me my hair color was wrong and proceeded to cheat on me (I don’t take it too seriously now, I’m not that dramatic). Along with the hell, I was experiencing from family matters – this was not helping. I was a very naive girl who was susceptible to altering myself for a guy because my self-esteem was shot to hell (shout out to the boys who threw food at me in Middle School). I was lonely, depressed, and desperate. I never thought of smoking until he told me to “just try it” because nothing would happen. Well, he was wrong, but most importantly, I was wrong. I chose to put that stinky sack of chemicals to my lips, and puffed – it became an addiction, a delicious, cynical addiction.

I am blaming the jerk for taking advantage of my weakness, but I blame myself for being stupid. I was stupid in “love” and in actions.

That stupid girl still has her moments, but she’s grown into a woman who understands the importance of health, and smoking cigarettes is not a form of love, it is an act of hate. Luckily for me, I have great friends, a loving boyfriend, and an adopted family that has taught me to love myself. The urge to self-deprecate my lungs has been replaced with mindfulness, poetry, and a strong sense of self. Quitting is difficult and I am not perfect, but I know that I want to live to see my future family grow, and I want to be a positive influence on others.

My negatives have turned into positives. I’ve changed how I perceive myself and I’ve quelled the voices that told me life is not worth living because I’ve started my quest to Camelot — and smoking is not allowed.

Killing the beast can feel as difficult as finding the holy grail, but that demon can lead you to your king/queendom and victory.  With a league of knights and some courage, you too can defeat the rat-poisoned bastard known as Camel. May glory be bestowed upon the quitters.

Repeat after me:

I am strong. I am winning. I am not my habit.  

So, can I keep this secret with you?

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