You’ve gotten into a fight with your S.O. & you can feel the anger building like a fire. You hate this person and swear to never love again – well, relax my fellow Drama Queens because I’m going to share a tidbit or two.
I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years – SIX – and let me tell you, we’ve had some blowouts. But we’ve remained a team throughout every “I hate you” because we decide to make it work. We do not look at each other as boyfriend and girlfriend; instead, we call each other partners. I’m no longer in the honeymoon stage but my relationship is better than ever because we’ve made a pact to stick together. It’s taken us a few years to get it right, and a few moments in the quiet corner, but we’ve made a plan that helps defuse any tense situation. So, here are some tips for my fellow hotheads!
- First – TAKE A BREATHER!
- Do something for you, like take a bath, read, write, or blog – anything that will help you calm down. Music, poetry, and a bath bomb (be careful not to soak in it too long otherwise you have another set of problems to deal with) are my go-to!
- Find a space that will allow you to speak freely, but also makes you monitor what is going to come out of your mouth.
- Obviously, if the situation is so heated that step 1 doesn’t work, then remain in your bubble until you are at a healthy level of anger. We choose to go for walks around the block, or even sit in the backyard. Nature is a great remedy to any ailment and controlling emotions is one of them! I know these steps seem hard in practice, but I’m telling you – it works!
- Mediate the situation as if you were talking to a toddler fighting over who gets to play with the toy first.
- Don’t be condescending. That’s not the point. Rather use clear, precise language. Say things like “I know that you feel this way, but let me explain where I am coming from.” Or “Well, I get what you are saying, but now it’s my turn to speak.” Changing how I talk to my S.O. has helped us get past many stupid fights. As long as you are both on the same page, this will work!
- Do something for yourself again!
- Treat yo’ self! You just defused a tense situation! Practicing mindfulness after this exchange will help you to understand what went wrong and allow you to take in the lesson that you’ve learned. I turn to writing for everything, so this is where I’ll break out my pen and write about all the positives that came from the situation. Be grateful that you fixed a problem and feel proud of yourself for not giving up!
- If you are not at this stage then here is a quick tip:
- Write an email, text, or any other form of messenger to communicate how you feel. Both of you will not feel pressure, and it gives you a chance to voice what is wrong with no interruptions– can you believe it! You both can take in each other’s side without trying to think of a comeback on the spot!
My tips are easy and simple. Fights are not. No fight is the same, but looking at the situation as if you were mediating a fight between two children is helpful, and probably a reflection of the mindset you were in before you took positive action haha.
My S.O and I have changed for each other, but I never would have guessed we’d be so happy because we used to fight in such a toxic manner.
You see the progress, not in a day, but over time.
Today, he kissed me out of the blue in a brazen flame of swoonery. So much so, that I quickly envisioned myself as Cinderella, and he my handsome prince (did I really just write that). I no longer hold him in contempt and he no longer thinks that I am being dramatic because we learned to communicate. Happiness is yours if you rewire how you think!
After 6 years, I love him more than I did in the beginning and we’ve become a root that’s taken hold to form a tree. If you stay positive, work through the struggles, and stick with it, you too can get that kiss 😉