As we get older, we are told that we will lose friends, but I would like to counter and say that we amass friendships that better our souls. I’ve gone through the stage where I have surrounded myself with people who were just acquaintances, and that is a lonely place to be. I was discouraging relationships that impacted me in a positive way for one’s that made me feel like the popular girl (which was not the case from k-12). I lost myself in my please-everybody stage because I did not like myself. I hated who I was because of my past and I felt like everybody could sense that I would end up like my mother. I thought my closest friends could sense that I was useless and damned for a life of eternal poverty.
I grew up poor in friendships because I made it that way.
I did not want them to see me because I wanted to be invisible (I just didn’t know that at the time). I pushed the people who cared about me away because I did not want them to know that I was a loser who was destined to fail. I felt this every day, and I let the thought consume me. I was a feast for my own negativity and my friends could only hope to pick up the crumbs.
Well, the feast is over and I am proud to admit that I am not a loser. I was. But now I am not. I cannot sit here and say that I suddenly realized that I wasn’t a loser, and the weight of the world was off my shoulder as if some mystical being waved his wand and cured me of my own sickness. I was a loser because I started to become the person I hated – and it was my own fault. I realized that I was fulfilling a prophecy that only I had created in my mind.
That prophecy never came true because I decided to change my behavior. I talk to my friends (some more than others) and have started to depend on myself. I got here by:
- Reconnecting with my friends (shout out to Ozge at Memoallure.com)
- She saved me back in middle school and she saved me again. Ozge was disappointed in me for awhile because I pushed her away, but she took me back and we are the exact same. She is part of the reason that I am writing this today.
- Finding my spirituality
- I’ve come to accept that there is something bigger than me, but I find myself in Wicca. I’m an environmentalist and I needed something that helped me understand why nature was such a big component in my life. I am not going to shy away from who I am because I fear what others think. My friends will love me no matter who / what my god is.
- Making mistakes
- Do I still care what people think? Of course, I do. But I put myself and my loved ones first. Mistakes have shaped my past and my present, and they will certainly define my future. I am no longer afraid of messing up because I have friends who are there for me. They remind me that it’s okay to not be perfect. Talking to my friends, like Ozge, has helped reshape how I think about myself because I stand-up for what I want and I’m not afraid to fail.
- By Being Afraid
- Fear can stop you from growing, but it is also a sign of change. I allow myself to be afraid because if I am not, then that means I am not improving myself. Accepting my emotions has truly helped to redefine myself and helped me gain control over the prophecy I tried to make come true. Damn that prophecy to the hell it deserves because fear is Negativity’s way of challenging you.
So, yes we lose friends, but in reality, they weren’t meant to be our friends. Losing friends isn’t this sad occurrence that shows how old we have gotten. It’s the art of letting go and focusing your attention on salvaging relationships.
Salvage relationships that mean something to you because they are the soil, the shade, and the light to your blossoming bud.